I can love, limitedly
I can care, conditionally
I hear you, but I don’t listen
I want you, but from a distance

Have you ever knew what it feels like – to have limited amount of love?
To have love being tied to objects and subjects?
To have love being judged and questioned?

Have you ever experienced the pain of having to earn love?

semua tunduk. jalan laju
bawah payung. parka kelabu
hujan turun. rintik berlagu
rititik rititik
rututu rututu

this sort-of poem came to me while i was walking in the rain. it keep me occupied and less focused on the fact that my feet is soaking wet and my jeans was drenched to the knee.

ah, definitely the time to get myself that yellow phua-chu-kang’s boot.

on another note, I just came back from watching Chicago at the Palace Theatre. So going to blog about it next!

Woken up by voices of policemen outside my door AND the phone ringing blaring the name of my housemate at 5 in the morning is not the best way to start your day.

As I am typing this, I am still feeling a bit dizzy and jittery.

At around 5 this morning, my phone rang, blaring the name of Y, and I was like’ why is she calling me from across the room, at this time?’. Phonecalls at this hour was never good. But phonecalls from your own housemate that lives across the hall at this hour is even WORST, especially when it is accompanied by voices of men talking outside my door.

I.literally.frove. What is going on?

Scrambling down my bed, I picked up the phone, and she said ‘there’s policemen outside your room, talking to a burglar that is now on the roof. don’t be afraid. come to my room if you want’.

WHAT?

It has got to be one of the scariest moments in my life. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know whether I am in danger. I don’t know whether my housemates are in danger. What am I supposed to do? Should I stay in the room? Should I go out? Are they armed?

Millions of questions were running through my head and while I calmed myself down, I listened to the conversation going on outside my bedroom door. The policemen were coaxing somebody, asking him (I assume it’s a man) to talk to them and to come down. He was talking in a low and calm voice so I know that it is not an alarming situation.

But inside my room, on my own, in my bed, scary stories started playing in my head. What if the man falls through the roof into my room? What if he climbed down and break through the window? Does he has a weapon? I was so scared all I could do is recite the ayatul kursi over and over again.

After a few minutes, I braved myself to open my bedroom door. A few policemen were outside talking and they saw me. In a low voice again they told me that everything is fine, and I just need to stay inside my oom. It made me feel better and I went to the window and have a glance around the house. It’s still dark by I managed to see a few policemen circling around the house.

After a few more minutes, the policemen left and I went out to see my other housemates who are now huddled in Y’s room. It seems that this man might be a burglar and he was stuck on the roof for hours. According to one of my housemate, who are able to see more from their window views, there are policemen, ambulance, firetrucks and at one point even a helicopter ready!

After a few more minutes, he moved from our roof to the neighbour’s. So the policemen left my house and went to talk to the man from across the road.

We peeked through the window, watching the whole commotion. There were 2 negotiators, trying to make him come down. By this time, he’s already speaking back to the negotiator and it is indeed a he. When asked how he got up the roof the man said ’spiderman,spiderman’. He wants cigarettes now and is bartering that if the policemen gave him ciggies, he will come down. The whole negotiation and coaxing went on for a few more hours. Alas, the man did come down from the roof.

Scary as it was, I am still grateful that at least the man is outside the house, on the roof and not inside the house. Alhamdulillah, we were not burgled. We were not harmed. Spooked and scared to death for sure, but at least we are safe.

I am still not sure if he is a burglar or not. Or maybe he is someone who has a mental-illness problem. I don’t know. He was not hand-cuffed when he was taken away. But I do caught a few things from their conversation. It seems that he’s been ‘in and out since he’s 18′. He is still a young man, I caught a glimpse of his face when he went down the ladders. In some strange way, I do feel a bit pity towards him. Maybe he’s in a really bad situation and he doesn’t know what to do. I hope his life will get better after this.

I planned to go to the office and do some work today as I don’t have any class. But now, only at 10.30 in the morning, I am feeling tired and nervous. I guess maybe I was still pretty shaken up. Maybe I will just take it easy today and do some light reading from the house.

Please do pray for our safety and I know it’s quite a contra to say this after this entry, but do have a great weekend?

Here’s a few pictures that we managed to take in order to prove that we are OK

Firemen carrying the ladder to the side of our house

The negotiator’s leg, standing on the ladder while coaxing the man to come down. Yeah, he’s just right by our kitchen window.

My housemates peeking through the window

Police car and fire truck blocking the road.

These past few week, while very exciting, its also a bit confusing for myself. I didn’t realise that the transition from self-employed/entrepreneur to a student can be quite challenging. All these going to lectures, groupworks, assignments and deadlines had made me sort of too absorbed into the student life and mindset. I think it is quite normal, but I don’t really feel like myself.

These past 2 days, I have been going to this business seminar that is held in Manchester Central and I felt like I finally get connected to the other diminishing part of myself. Going to seminars, business workshops and networking – these are the things I am used to do in Malaysia. While it’s pretty similar in essence, for I am still learning whether I am in business seminar or university, the atmosphere and the content is totally different. While I love being back in university where I am given the best of academic resources and information, there’s a part of myself that missed the whole vibrancy of entrepreneurial/business learning environment.

Therefore, I am so grateful to be able to attend this 2 days business convention/exhibition. I rushed before and after class to the city centre to attend the workshops and it was a really nice change of pace for me. It is something that I really, really need.

I think I really need to find that tricky balance between the academic world and my entrepreneurial tendency. More often that not, I found both side of myself keep arguing with each other! But I guess it’s a process that everybody needs to experience when going through a period of change in their life.

But it sure is tricky!

It’s amazing what a few kind words and advice can do to you. I was feeling a bit blue today, and kind of stressed out with assignments and deadlines and after talking with one of my coursemate, I feel much better. My coursemate, J, is this really nice and polite guy. It is really rare that I found a guy as nice and as polite as him and I am considering this is one of my blessing

I went to a movie last Saturday with a bunch of girls, and it made me realise it has been so long since I did the girly night out. We joked and laughed, watched movies, eat candies – just pure girly fun. It was really nice

During that night I realised that I have actually become too serious and that I have forgotten how to have fun. I mean, I am always in my head thinkingthinkingthinking. Not that thinking is a bad thing. It’s just that I have forgotten how to take things easy. That not everything needs to be philosophised, to be mulled over, to be turned into some kind of inspiration.

Sometimes its all just about the candies.

I have always been interested in Japanese language and culture. I don’t know how that came about actually. And in my lifespan, I have attempted at learning Japanese language several times. So, this time, another opportunity for me to learn Japanese language presented itself, so I took it!

My first class was hard-work but fun. I knew the teacher, K, from the teacher’s meeting I attended a few weeks ago. He is this really nice chatty guy but we struggled to communicate with each other because of the language barrier. After my first lesson, now I know why! Japanese language is completely different from English. It’s all topsy turvy and requires one to completely reverse the meaning in one language for it to be conveyed properly in the other.

It is amazing how by learning other person’s languages we can deepen our understanding of that other person. Since I only speak 2 languages, and I learnt English very early, and I am schooled in mainly Malay or English based system – I have always took language for granted. Now I am looking at it at a whole different view.

I also learnt today that Japanese is so polite that they actually have a verb or a word that is commonly used as to not be seemed as interruptive in conversation. It is ‘ano..’.  So when you want to speak or ask a question and you are not certain whether the other person has finished speaking or not – you said this word ‘ano..’. I found this really amazing!  I have never thought much whether I might be interrupting someone else when they are speaking. So, this striked to me as something really interesting

Ok, I need to get ready to go out now. I spent the whole day cooped up in the basement that served as my work space, just reading journals after journals. I want to reward myself by watching a movie tonight. Have a great weekend all!

I have a thing with rose ring. Last time I was in the UK, I got myself a pink rose ring.  A few days ago, I found myself a new rose ring while browsing in Oxfam. Meet my new rose ring

p/s: I gotta really start wearing hand lotion.

p/s no 2: that’s my lecture notes in the background. As a prove that I do read them

( I thought let’s be a bit generous and show you my old pink rose ring. I know the hand doesn’t make much sense. I cropped it from this really air-brushed, photo-shopped, posey picture of me a few years ago. So, please imagine my face above the hand. Yeah)

These past few weeks, I have actually been having the time of my life – academically. I am now formally learning and doing things that I am hugely passionate about – entrepreneurship.

Everyday, I am inundated with new knowledge, new theory, new ideas and I am just loving it! Alhamdulillah

So today, believe it or not, I got this gem of knowledge from my textbook. Can you imagine? All my life, I have never been this excited about a textbook

It is about challenging your own idea. I mean, everybody, entrepreneurs especially – when they found themselves an idea, they thought it is the best kept secret ever! They become so secretive about it, defensive even. They become so emotionally-attached to their idea.

Been there, done that

While it is good that you preserve some sort of stand on your own idea, it is also vey important to take a step back and look at the idea from a different angle. You need to challenge the idea.

What most often will happen is, if your ideas is already good – it can actually be better.  By releasing your emotional-attachment, you will be able to see that idea as it is and look for ways to improve it.

Sometimes, after challenging these ideas, we might came to a conclusion that the idea is not worth pursuing, for whatever reason. While this is hard to take, we really do need to bite the bullet. By doing this, it will free up a lot of our time to think up or pursue a much more worthwhile ideas.

Do know that the fountain from where ideas came from is bottomless. There’s an infinite amount of ideas up for grab for anybody. But the aim is to grab a good idea and turn it into a great endeavour. For ideas, no matter how great, if it is not acted upon, will only remain as that – an idea.

I have been doing many different things lately, and I am trying to document it all. But, I don’t really have the time to do it chronologically. So, this happened last Friday.

I have watched almost all of Baba Ali’s video on Youtube. He is this really funny guy that discusses Muslim issues, in his own funny way. So he and a few other Muslim stand-up comedians came to Manchester to do a comedy show last Friday, and I decided to check them out.

(image credit to here)

I found the show really good. There are 3 of them, and while all of them are funny, they are all different funny. The first one is funny in a rather loud way. The second one is funny in a rather nonchalant way. (I am sorry I have forgotten the  names of the first 2!) And the last, Baba Ali, is funny in well, his own ‘Baba Ali’ way. What I really liked about all of them is while they are funny – they are not obnoxious or rude ‘funny’. Rather than making people laugh at someone else, either because of their religion, or race, or physical appearance, they make people laugh at ourselves, at their ownselves or at a situation or their observation.

I think this requires quite a skill. And I am really impressed. I have seen too many not-funny things being paraded as ‘funny’ when it is downright rude and degrading to human being. Jackass, being number one. I don’t even know it the show is still ongoing or not, but it is the most horrifying show ever.

We really do need smart comedian. Comedian that doesn’t made us feel like stabbing ourself in the thigh just to feel some other emotion than the numbing stupidity that is freezing our brain by watching their stupid antics. Obviously, I have a rather strong feeling towards ’stupid comedy’.

Therefore, I really do welcome this new generation of stand-up comedian. Or any comedians for that matter. For while they might be called ‘comedian’, at the end of the day, I think we are all ’story-tellers’. And we deserved  the right to tell our story – in our own way.